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Is the Pillsbury Doughboy from Hell?
Is the Pillsbury Doughboy the spawn of Darkness, or merely a victim of American laziness? This question has been rolling around in my brain for quite some time now and I think I should answer it. I'm certain most of you have often asked yourself the same question and have failed to make a determined effort to answer it. Once again, El Presidente to the rescue of Humanity.
When an intellectual luminary such as myself takes on a question of such universal importance, it is always wise to review the evidence at hand. I'm not likely to do that because I feel the case is clear for a genius like me. The demonic hordes rarely if ever laugh when you push on their bellies and that is evidence enough against the spawn of Darkness theory. I feel that the
Pillsbury Doughboy was an unwitting victim of the laziness of Americans. Let's look at the history of baking cookies in order to illustrate this point.
In the beginning - the real beginning and not the one espoused by the misguided evolutionists whose theories are ludicrous and without foundation according to their own rules of evidence - Adam was created and then Eve was created to bake cookies for everyone. This was a pretty good system for thousands of years until that Susan B. Anthony started burning her bra and stopped baking. This resulted in the Vietnam war and the total lack of baked goods for America's men-folk. Here is where the Doughboy comes in to save the country. After defeating Hitler and his Red Chinese horde, the Doughboy invented cookie dough in a tube. Now the lazy women could burn their bras, have their vote, and bake cookies all in the same day. The country grew closer together and I think we all can look back with fond memories to the times we would spend with our families around the cookie sheet, cutting off pieces of dough from the beautiful tube. But these times soon took a turn for the worse.
I think it was a family in Chicago who started it and we might never know for sure, but I do know this: the night that mystery family grew too lazy to go fetch the knife for cookie dough cutting was the night we all started down the slippery slope towards Lazy Baking Hell. They decided - with no authority I might add - that they could just break the dough off instead of cutting it. Little did they know the horrific effects this would have upon an unsuspecting nation and our little Doughboy. Soon, families everywhere were breaking dough, knife sharpening businesses went bankrupt and the stock market crashed. Amidst all of this chaos someone lost site of the fact that you cannot roast marshmallows over candles. They taste too waxy.
In stepped the Pillsbury Doughboy once more, determined to save the world with his new invention, the pre-cut cookie dough in a bag. He had just crossed the line from hero to unwilling, unknowing partner to the lazy American. Rather than rally us around a new effort to bring back cutting, the corporate tools had forced Doughboy to push us further into our own lazy stupor. Now you could just break off a piece of dough without even having to feel the guilt of doing it knife-free. People started getting fat from the cookies and lack of manual labor and experts agreed that America could not get any more lazy, or any more obese. They were wrong.
Tired of all of the breaking of pre-cut cookie dough, lazy Americans demanded a new product from the Doughboy - who was living in a rehab clinic in Miami where he was under a suicide watch. Jaded and doped up on goofballs, he created the cookie dough in a pan that has proven to be our downfall. Yes, now all you have to do to 'bake cookies' is open a bag, pull out a pan, and pop it in the oven. This was the cue the other companies had been waiting for. There are brownies in a pan, cereal in a bowl, and even pre-sliced peanut butter. All designed to enable Americans to forego the need of getting out of their Craftmatic Adjustable beds with the motorized wheels and rear-view mirrors. We have these awful things called Lunchables that lazy parents give their lazy kids. These lunches in a plastic box are nothing more than crackers, a can of sugar water, and the occasional slice of pre-sliced cheese. Where will it all end?
At some point in the future I predict that I will be in charge of things and people will bake cookies from scratch. These cookies will not cost five dollars each, but will be free for all who need them. Either that or we will all just be bloated heads floating in big mason jars that would have been better used as cookie receptacles.