Cold Dead Fish Code of World Aesthetics
In the course of human events it often becomes necessary for a select few to take the reigns of a misguided society in order to steer the masses towards a better future. We at CDF have taken upon ourselves the task of helping mankind in our generation to achieve the heights that have hitherto been so unreachable. This CDFCWA is presented to the world as a vision of the imminent future, a future in which one becomes a participant or an enemy. No man or woman can be forced to comply. Compliance comes to those with a higher capacity for reason and a greater understanding of man's purpose in the CDF Universe.Article 1 - Physical Aesthetics
Superficiality is the great bane of all societies. While the vast majority of people will never meet the artificial requirements of "beauty" as defined by the masses, the few who do are very often mentally inferior. There is no need to completely do away with all of these notions of what is acceptable as many of them are rather accurate indicators of mental impurities. The CDFCWA seeks the true balance between the two insanities of phrenology and super-modelology. It begins at the head.Section A - Hair
Clause I - Men(1)CDF grants great freedom in the choice of hairstyles. Hair perfection for the man of the future is some stage of fully embraced male pattern baldness. "Fully embraced" is defined as an exclusion of hair replacement products or methods of any kind. There is also a ban on the shaving of the head by those men provided by nature with an unfortunate abundance of head hair. (2)Mullets, old-man pony tails, petroleum-based hair shiners, and dyes of all kinds are forbidden on men. (3)All other styles of hair not in keeping with hair perfection will be judged on a case by case basis.
Clause II - Women
(1)Women with shaven heads for reasons other than medical are banned. (2)Female hair must be flattering to the woman and this will be determined by CDF on an individual basis. (3)Unnatural hair colors are banned.
Section B - Eyes
Clause I
(1)Men and women must have two eyes of matching color. (2)Colored lenses are banned as deceptive and ridiculous. (3)False eyes for those without their own are acceptable so long as they are of approved materials. Approved materials are: glass.
Section C - Teeth
Clause I
(1)A full set of teeth, natural or those created by fine oral artisans, are required. There is no reason for anyone to be without teeth in a modern world.(2)Self-installed dental products of any kind will cause a violation of this clause.
Section D - Body Modification
Clause I - Tattoos
Certain kinds of tattoos are banned as are the people who have them. (1)Tattoos which feature naked people are banned as are those which consist of the name of an old boyfriend/girlfriend. (2)Tattoos of famous people, places or events are banned. (3)Tattoos located on the face or neck are banned. (4)Those with gang-related tattoos will be summarily executed by lethal donut.
Clause II - Extra Holes
(1)It is unacceptable to make extra holes in the body in any location other than the ears unless you are a man in which case no extra holes are allowed in any part of the body. (2)Those with extra holes who make valid attempts to maintain them as "item-free" will be allowed to remain in good standing. (3)Special consideration will be made for those whose extra holes warrant it.
Clause III - Other
(1)Any surgical or self-inflicted body modification not covered by Clause I & II of this section is considered unacceptable and will result in a punishment to be determined by CDF on the Day of Implementation.
Section E - General Bodily Condition
Clause I
(1)Persons suffering from physical deformities or limitations which are not the direct result of their own stupidity qualify for a special not-my-fault class of CDFCWA acceptance. This would include but is not limited to midgets (Little People), people with unusually small or large heads, those born without an outer ear and ugly people who would otherwise qualify under the mental requirements of the CDFCWA. (2) Those with a delusional self-view are often found to be Non-Compliant. This includes those who feel they have attractive bodies and make attempts to convince others of this fallacy.
Article 2 - Mental Requirements
The mental capacities and psychological state of any who would seek to be a part of the New World Order is of extreme importance. The CDF Profilers have worked very hard in outlining the basics of acceptable mental attributes for consideration in the creation of this section.Section A - Basic Grasp of Reality
Clause I - Self-Awareness
(1)People who are unfamiliar with the concept that there is a world and they are in it are useless and will therefore be left alone in the forest to slowly die. (2)This excludes those whose mental capacities leave them no alternative but to stare blankly at the lights, or who are the sad victims of the various forms of mental retardation and disease that renders them unaware of themselves.
Clause II - Dimensional Awareness
(1)Those people who are living in an alternate reality or dimension of their own creation are banned. (2)There is no room for more than the one reality as defined by El Presidente and CDF. (3)Those wishing to create or inhabit a reality other than that approved by CDF shall be sent to the afterlife to research the various theories about it.
Clause III - Common Sense
(1)People who appear to be within the reality of CDF, yet who display a lack of knowledge concerning the collective conscience of CDF-brand Humanity are banned. (2)Persons found in possession of a willingness to look down the barrel of a loaded gun to verify it's state of readiness, those who would participate in death-defying stunts in order to get women, and those who feel that the laws of physics do not apply to them are all banned. (3)Any other displays of a lack of common sense will be detected and may be instantaneously eradicated by CDF/THUK personnel.
Section B - Public Displays of Mental Capacity
Clause I - Politics
The need for political parties and politics in general will be eliminated. (1)Liberals, communists, anarchists and Nazis are subject to torture and subsequent exile. (2)Conservatives on the far right and anyone who believes that Bill Clinton was an acceptable president will be lobotomized and sent to Ohio. (3)People who read statement 2 and think we don't know that Bill Clinton was not a conservative will be branded with a hot iron and sent to Ohio. (4)Those too weak to commit to any party show an extreme lack of any sense of values of any kind and are therefore unfit for CDF-brand Humanity. (5)Persons affiliated with a political party show a lack of independent intelligence and will be sent to Ohio. (6)As all people fit into the ban under statements 4 and 5 of this Clause, CDF will determine compliance in all cases of political affiliation.
Clause II - Activism/Terrorism
Activists/Terrorists are rarely politically motivated in spite of what they claim. (1)Members of the following activist/terrorist groups are Non-Compliant: PETA or any of its bastard children, ACLU, NOW, Islamic Jihad, the Democratic Party, MTV, and Lifetime Television. (2)Any group making claims to be "fundamentalist" in any way is banned. (3)Clowns.
Clause III - General Public Stupidity
It is impossible to outline all of the various forms of general public stupidity that will result in Non-Compliance, but it is necessary to give several examples in order to give direction to those who seek to change their lives in accordance with our higher wisdom. The following are Non-Compliant: (1)People who affix neon lights to their automobiles. (2)Anyone lacking the mental capacity required to place a hat on their head in the proper orientation. (3)Mall Rats (4)Anyone observed by a CDF Operative being publicly stupid.
Section C - Internet Stupidity
(1)The modern age has seen the rise of Al Gore's Internet and with it a host of Non-Compliant web sites. The need to regulate this vast collection of information has been acknowledged by CDF for some time. Therefore, any site judged Non-Compliant by the CDF Board of Web Review will be taken off-line on the Day of Implementation. The ultimate guide in what not to do as a web site can be found at ComedyZine.com, which also happens to be the first sight slated for removal. (2) Any site linking to ComedyZine.com in any way other than to use it as an example of Non-Compliance is Non-Compliant.
Article 3 - Social Standards
CDF will lead the society of the future in a very orderly and regulated way. Trends, fads and other such idiocy will no longer plague Humanity. As people come into line with El Presidente, regulations will be lifted as they will no longer be needed. For now, CDF has defined those things which will exclude people from being a part of the New World Order.Section A - Language
Clause I - English
(1)Everyone will speak English. Other languages are permitted and encouraged, but English will be the language of all CDF business. It should be spoken with a genuine English accent or at least a plausible imitation of one. (2)German is banned. CDF research has shown that the cause of at least 50% of the two World Wars was the use of the German language. It is too aggressive. (3)French is accepted, but the majority of the French people are banned. CDF will determine the compliance of each French person. (4)The following languages are also banned for reasons too complicated for you to understand: Swedish, Finish, Alsatian and any language where you have to make clicking noises.
Clause II - Banned Words
(1)There are too many words whose use has been banned by CDF to list anywhere. These will be discovered over time and as people are sent to Ohio, the rest of society will quickly learn what they are and why not to use them. (2)"Betwixt" should become a regular part of everyone's vocabulary as should "Equidistant".
Clause III - Profanity
(1)As profanity is seen as the sign of a diseased soul, all uses of it shall be forbidden. CDF recognizes that these words are merely an expression of lazy, stupid minds too simple to find the proper means of self-expression. (2)"Bastard" and its various forms are exempt from this ban as we use them for our fine line of consumer goods.
Section B - Interaction with Others
Clause I - Personal Space
(1)The importance of one's personal space can never be overestimated. CDF declares that the minimum personal space required by each individual will be three feet in every direction. (2)People who violate personal space shall be sent to Ohio to live with the lepers. While leprosy is not contagious, it can often be uncomfortable to live among those afflicted by it.
Clause II - Sexuality
(1)Nobody is interested in your sexuality. (2)Pornography is banned as addictive and demeaning to all who view, create or otherwise participate in it. (3)There will be no bad 70's background music in the New World Order.
Clause III - Courtesy
(1)Everyone will be courteous with everyone else. (2)CDF retains the exclusive right to be rude and anyone found exercising rudeness without the proper papers will be beaten about the head with a blunt object.
Clause IV - Other
(1)Any action deemed unsociable by CDF shall result in the proper punishment, also to be determined by CDF. This includes but is not limited to everything Carson Daly has done or ever will do.
Conclusion: There is none. The CDFCWA is a living document and as such could change at any time without notice. You are all expected to comply with the precepts outlined in the CDFCWA. Non-Compliance will not be tolerated.
